Where is He Looking & What is He Thinking?
Worries, Worries, and more worries. This seems to be the consensus of more and more women these days in regards to where their partners eyes are and what they are thinking.
The comment below came to me in response to my article, Jealousy or Trust...You Choose.
"I feel if our partners are blatantly checking out other women he is disrespecting us." To say we must accept that others have more outward beauty is one thing. I think it is valid for women to be upset about the societal views of beauty being so narrow. When our partners allow the media to brainwash them into believing that one particular body shape or youth is somehow more beautiful, I think we have every right to question whether they are deserving of us."
Well, I never meant that it is alright for the men that we are in a relationship with, to drool over other women. Women all want to be the center of their partners attention. They also want to know exactly where he is looking and what he is thinking. But to what degree are we going to continue to imprison ourselves in the thought where is he looking and what is he thinking? I have done a ton of research regarding the male mind and their inability to not look. They simply are just lookers /observers. Men are visual creatures and women these days work very hard at looking good. It is almost like the media has also worked on us women to create these competitions amongst each other. How else can they sell their wrinkle and beauty products and make the millions of dollars on cosmetic surgery that they do these days?
In my articles, I help women learn ways of coping and rising above things we cannot change. I truly believe that we are making more out of it than the men are. In fact through our very own verbal worries & fears we instill ideas in their head that may never have occurred to them before. It is not an easy world we live in. It's all out there! Morals have taken a back seat to making money. The innocent ones are the ones that suffer, as usual.
In some relationships, I believe that a partner will get away with what they can. It is human to error. It's sad but true. From the day we are born we are challenging life and seeing what we can get away with. In any relationship, there will always be someone trying to get away with things. This may not even be a conscious thought. As I said, we are only human.
Another comment:
"I get so frustrated particularly with the porn etc, out there. My husband has complained about my body for years because he's compared me to porn women. He wines that I have stretch marks and my breasts aren't as perky as the porn women (after 4 kids its no wonder lol). Even though I got them having our kids and he's no oil painting, he still cant see past the image of beauty portrayed in the media and of course this translates into him peering (staring) when we are out.
I know I`m no dog, but being around him behaving like this makes me feel like crap."
Well....
For a lot of men, staring at other women is really, a very bad habit. The men that do not do this even say that they are just plain rude and disrespectful. To know that someone is hurting or uncomfortable in a situation by their reaction, but continues regardless of how you feel, is purely selfish and very mindless. For the man that degrades his partner, and falls for all the unrealistic images that Hollywood is telling him is the real thing, is truly as small minded as his penis. Harsh words, yes. but well deserving at the same time. This must be brought to the for-front immediately. Pornography is an absurd example to what real life sex should be like. It is abuse of another kind and it degrades men as well as women. It is cheap and very addicting. Pornography is like any other negative sexual device being offered to the world for money. It is destruction of reality and it is a persons choice to look or not too look. It is their choice to degrade themselves when taking part in pornography. It is their choice to truly understand and follow through on their commitment to their partner. It is also their choice to be all alone, wanted by no one that is real. These are all negative habits that a person can change if they want to.
Why do so many women feel that their partners are in fact being disrespectful?
Why do so many men scream that they are NOT being disrespectful?
There are millions of women that are battling this worry of where he is looking and what is he thinking. Most women continue to maintain their relationships and deal with life as best they can. Other women spend countless hours reading and paying therapists to tell them they are not crazy or imagining things. Couples spend way to much time debating this issue and always end up at square one. Both men and women need to work together and change their habits. Women must stop allowing their own insecurities to magnify their partners gestures and reactions which only results in a negative control over their happiness. Men must try to be more aware of what exactly triggers off their partners worries and not take her reactions so defensively. This does NOT say that women are to bow down & ignore what is obvious disrespect in some cases, but we need to really look at just how serious their looks are and how serious we are taking them. To allow a man's actions to effect how we see ourselves, is a definite mistake on our part. It is up to us to feel good about ourselves, no one else. It is very hard when we care what someone thinks about us. We tend to use that as our happiness meter. Too many women are allowing the weaknesses of men to determine their happiness and self-worth. We are real people and yes we have stretch marks and we have life wrinkles..which are as much a part of us as our curves. These characteristics are what make us that much more unique. For these men that think it is all about the poster girl, I feel very sorry for them. They are losing out on so much of the good, genuine, real stuff. Our own self-acceptance is the key in being able to overcome so many of the little things that we cannot change. That is why we must work on knowing ourselves and knowing that we are a special, unique person.
I am going to play the devils advocate here for a bit.
Men Say:
We look, yes but that's all.
It's not like we want to have sex with them.
Women worry about everything.
Women are always jealous of other women.
Women get mad at us when another women happens to catch our eye.
We do not go into strip bars to see girls, we go to talk to the guys.
We cannot help it if there are scantily dressed women serving us at that restaurant.
Its only a picture.
Women are immature when they try to stop us having fun.
Guys should be able to go to bars with their friends.
Guys don`t discuss women's body parts when they are hanging out together.
If women trusted us, we should be able to go anywhere.
Alcohol does not make us flirtatious.
We married them, so what more do they want?
Women say:
He is looking at her and wishes I looked like her.
He is undressing her in his mind.
He is doing this to make me worry.
I wish I looked like her.
Why does he have to look every time a pretty girl walks past?
Men could also go to the do-nut shop to talk.
Men do not have to choose restaurants that advertise scantily dressed women waitresses.
We want to be our men's fun.
Bars are not for married people unless they are there together.
Men are always looking and discussing female body parts.
We do trust, but we also feel a thing called respect for them. Some places that men go are not respectable.
Alcohol makes everyone a bit more lose and flirtatious.
There is more to marriage than just saying we are married...that bottom line is very old.
These are just a few oppositions that men and women deal with. We definitely think on a different wave length. We see things differently and we feel differently about certain issues also. That's what makes us men and women. The trick in being able to live together and respecting each other, is to understand that we are different and also to be able to make compromises for our partner's happiness. After all, is that not what its all about? Making each other happy!
Where he is looking or what he is thinking is an issue that will not be fixed in one article or even ten. But as long as we work at it and continue to communicate with each other, we will eventually find a common ground.
These are my thoughts and they certainly do not include every single person on earth.
I would however be very interested:
Gents...on exactly & truthfully your thoughts on what are you thinking and where are you looking?
Ladies...I would love to hear your exact and truthful thoughts on how his actions make you feel!
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"Love" is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own... Jealousy is a disease, love is a healthy condition. The immature mind often mistakes one for the other, or assumes that the greater the love, the greater the jealousy." - Robert Heinlein
"No matter what age you are, or what your circumstances might be, you are special. and you still have something UNIQUE to offer. Your life, because of who you are, has meaning! " -Barbara De Angelis
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DorothyL
Comment: It seems like so many women, most of us in fact, are caused immense pain by this looking at and thinking about other women. On a spiritual note, I believe that people can be unfaithful in many ways - in thought and in word, not just in deed. On some level women feel this and no amount of rational thinking about the matter seems to be able to shift the cruel feeling of betrayal. Many times have my partner and I argued about this - after seven years I'm still miserable.
It's always struck me as rather peculiar that no article I've ever read has addressed what I believe to be a core issue - why does society place such an emphasis on 'looks' when 'looks' have absolutely no bearing on anything important - like the ability to achieve, love, be compassionate, intelligent and forward thinking. The list goes on.
Can the whole world really be so stupid? There are children dying of starvation out there, sick people being denied treatment, ethnic 'cleansing', and a whole host of injustices in the world that are simply unaddressed. Meanwhile, the almighty dollar (including research dollars) is being put to ridiculous, superficial uses like development of new and 'better' cosmetic surgery, the fashion industry etc. The whole focus of the world is wrong and I believe that women will be empowered beyond belief when we're able to stop thinking and worrying about where he's looking. We'll be free to dream, to create, to be who we really are.
I'm quite uncompromising, I know. Sure there are self esteem courses out there and plenty of ways we can sidestep the issue and build our self esteem despite all that imagery. But it's only a bandaid because at present, in this society, men really are getting it wrong. They are valuing us for what we look like or don't look like, they are being emotionally and spiritually unfaithful and we are being told to strengthen ourselves and bear it - just as women have always done. We excuse bad and insensitive behavior and our men are being told that we're the ones with the problem. Wrong. The world, dominated by the masculine, is very, very wrong. If it wasn't, half the population of the world wouldn't be in such emotional pain and unable to do anything about it.
Mel
Comment: When I got married I gave up all other men. I don’t kiss or cuddle or fantasize or flirt with other men. (I don’t do this perfectly but I am trying). I could get the same sexual thrill from flirting with a strange man, letting a stranger kiss me or touch me as men get from porn and strip shows and just ogling. Sure I could! It wouldn’t be hard to do. But I DON’T! It is NOT too much to ask that men also give up ALL other women for us when they marry —pictures, flirting, fantasizing, ogling, etc. I don’t care what men's habits or proclivities are! My own proclivity would be to flirt and a lot more. So what? I have chosen a committed relationship and don’t act on those proclivities any longer. I certainly don’t think it’s too much to ask the same from my man!
Belle
Comment: I think women who find themselves in relationships with these kind of men ("Where are they looking and what are they thinking") should begin to elevate themselves OUT of that type of relationship dynamic. The "dumpiest" guy can "look" at another woman in front of his wife or girlfriend and feel powerful only IF his wife or girlfriend responds with a sense of being put down, feeling jealous, etc. This is exactly what he hopes, and I believe one of the main reasons he does it ... it puts him in the secure position of being the one who gets to choose and decide everybody's value. Why should a woman give a man this position? Why should she let him be the SUBJECT who selects and choose, while she is the OBJECT, who hopes to be chosen? Women must learn to be the SUBJECTS, and do their own choosing! And believe me, once they make this paradigm shift, they WILL find they they end up choosing more emotionally mature and respectful men, as they find they slowly, but surely choose to "dump" the immature men who, they somehow had given the position of judge (i.e., his looking determined her value). It is a dynamic that women need to evolve OUT of, not try and change. When enough women have evolved out of this ridiculous dynamic (where the men have all the power to determine woman's self-esteem, and of course, in the process completely protect their own self-esteem, because they aren't the objects, but the choosing subjects,)then there won't be enough women available for these kinds of men, and THEN there will have to be a shift in them. They will then HAVE to mature and behave differently if they want to attract the interest of women.
Stephanie
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Dorothy Lafrinere
