Dangerous Relationship E-Course
E-Course 1, Class 4 of 4
Class Title- It’s all about Him!
Are You Dating a Narcissist?
This E-Course is brought to you by Sandra L. Brown, author of “How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved”, and by www.WomensSelfesteem.com
Many women are now familiar with the word ‘narcissism’ but not always totally aware of the specifics of the disorder. The word ‘narcissism’ is tossed around a lot as a catch all phrase for people who are conceited or aloof.
But narcissism is more than a case of conceit. It is a pathological and incurable disorder. Narcissism is a brutal way for women to learn about dangerous and destructive men. By the time a woman realizes a man is narcissistic, she has been pounded into the emotional dirt.
Many women find fascination with men who seem self-assured but this is merely the mask of narcissism which hides an emotionally undeveloped little boy seeking the attention NOW that he didn’t get as a child. But all the attention he has sucked out of women never fills the broken vessel of his soul. All the attention never stays in him. It spills out only for him to seek MORE and MORE from anyone that he can get it from.
Dr. Sam Vaknin refers to this as the ‘narcissistic supply’—the need for a constant stream of affirmations, attention, and admiration from a constant supply of givers. Narcissists are rarely happy with only one stream of attention. They seek it from friends, strangers, co-workers, family, and anyone else they can tap into which is also why narcissists are rarely faithful—all this attention seeking leads to more focused admiration via sexual contact.
The major description of the relationship with a narcissist that women give is he is ‘confusing and exhausting.’ Women come out of the relationship dragging the shell of their former selves. That’s all that’s left when he is done with her. A narcissist’s path is always littered with the emotional skeletons of a multitude of women and children.
So ARE YOU with a narcissist? You might as well know now.
Take the quiz below based on your knowledge of him.
5= Always or almost always does this
4= Frequently does this
3= Does this sometimes
2= Seldom does this
1= Never or almost never does this
__ He constantly looks to you to meet his needs
- __ He expects you to know what he expects, desires and
needs without having to ask for it
- __ He gets upset when you are perceived to be critical or
blaming
- __ He expects you to put his needs before your own
- __ He seeks attention in indirect ways
- __ He expects you to openly admire him
- __ He acts childish, sulks or pouts
- __ He accuses you of being insensitive or uncaring without
cause
- __ He finds fault with your friends
- __ He becomes angry when challenged or confronted
- __ He does not seem to recognize your feelings
- __ He uses your disclosures to criticize, blame, or discount
you
- __ He is controlling
- __ He lies, distorts, and misleads
- __ He is competitive and uses any means to get what is
wanted
- __ He has a superior attitude
- __ He is contemptuous of you and others
- __ He is arrogant
- __ He is envious of others
- __ He demeans and devalues you
- __ He is self-centered and self-absorbed
- __ He has to be the center of attention
- __ He is impulsive and reckless
- __ He boasts and brags
- __ He is insensitive to your needs
- __ He makes fun of others mistakes or faults
- __ He engages in seductive behavior
- __ He is vengeful
- __ He expects favors but does not return them
Add up your scores. If the total is 87 or more, he may classify as a narcissist.
(Thanks to Nina Brown and ‘Is Your Partner a Narcissist? From Loving The Self Absorbed)
In our segment on abusive and pathological parenting we talked about how people who have been raised with pathological parents go on to select pathological men for partners. Dating/marrying a narcissist falls into that category. Since narcissists do not change because narcissism is a permanent embedded personality disorder the question to you becomes “How much longer will you spend with someone who can’t ever be healthy?”
Have you told yourself any of the following?
I am in a relationship and feel he is more important than I am
- I often feel like a failure in this relationship and blame myself for the condition of the relationship and how he treats me
- I tell myself, “If I just try harder things will be fine.”
- I wonder what happened to the charming person I was involved with and why he is so different now
- I feel numb and exhausted by the constant demands of him and the strain in the relationship
- I keep hoping ‘someday’ things will get better
- I have an overwhelming sense of guilt much of the time
- I always tell myself I am responsible for things going wrong (and he agrees)
- I have given up time, ambition, interests, family/friends and life for him
(Thanks to Mary Jo Fay from ‘When Your Perfect Partner, Goes Perfectly Wrong, Loving or Leaving the Narcissist in Your Life)
These are examples of the ‘effects’ of being with a narcissist. Over time, these effects increase until your self-esteem is so low you no longer even attempt an exit. Life with a narcissist costs you everything. It already has, and it will in your future as well.
In order for you to heal both from abusive, addicted, and/or pathological parenting AND from your relationship with dangerous men, you must exit so you can work on yourself and your own recovery. No one heals or grows in a relationship with a narcissist. The longer you stay the harder it is to leave because you have stopped growing and hoping for emotional well-being for yourself.
In closing,
The only defense is self defense. And the only self defense is knowledge. This E-course will help you realize your potential need (or not) for future insight into the area of dangerousness. Perhaps it will illuminate areas that you need more knowledge about, more insight, or just information.
If after reading this fourth (class 4) and final installment of the E-course, you recognize your own patterns, please avail yourself to more information through www.WomensSelfesteem.com, or How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved or through your local women’s organizations and counseling programs. www.WomensSelfesteem.com/chat.html, D's Bistro, is a great resource for free live support from real women just like yourself.
Our hope is that this information is used for a woman’s relational harm reduction and education for healthier relationships. Please pass this on to other women who need this life-saving information. Be the beacon to other women…
The information above is just a taste of what you will find in the book and is companion and support material to the media-attracting book ‘How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved’ You can order the e-book, our companion e-work book and our ‘How To Break Up With a Dangerous Man e-Book’ at www.howtospotadangerousman.com.
How to Spot a Dangerous Man
Return to Class 3
