Hi!

I don't even really know how to begin ..... ummm, I am 24 years old and unemployed. I ran away from home when I was 13 years old and never looked back. When I first was on the street in the USA - had pimps (a gang in Los Angeles) who beat/raped me often and shot me up with speed and sold me to another pimp in Nevada via Greyhound bus.

I later on escaped with another prostitute whom I worked with, we played the mother daughter roll until she tried to pimp me out, the next four years were living amongst truck drivers hooking just to get by alone, and hiding from the cops.... because I did not want to be in jail or in another abusive foster home.

I crossed the Canadian border illegally, possessing an unfamiliar hatred for the human race, my goal was to catch Aids and spread it around as much as I could to every uncompassionate unrecognized sicko out there. I was afraid of getting caught being illegal so went to Alaska first having walked around the border.

Spent the summer in Alaska working under the table, the manager of the restaurante black mailed me and threatened to exploit me to the cops if I did not give him sexual favors every now and then. I was a dishwasher. When winter came and it got cold I tried to cross the border at Chicken Alaska - my ride was a violent man whom in the hotel beat me for him tripping over the belt that he left beside the bed (I put that there .... of course.... right?)

This guy would call me "Angel" .... well I've had lots of pet names before, another one was "Baby Girl"....  this guy had made a friend who was a big man working in the hotel restaurant... he raped me. I took off in -40 below walking down the highway.... later on through that night the cops picked me up..... they took me back to Fairbanks and put me in a foster home .... after 1 week I ranaway again and made it back in Canada.... 

I went to Yellowknife, Northwest Territories, I got a job at an Airport restaurante as a dishwasher, the manager took me under his wing and said I could stay with him and his room-mates instead of the womens shelter. That is how I met "Rob" (I will call him) he approached me and told me told hold him and tell him I love him..... and I did. (why not?) After 9/11 happened immigration did a sweep in the Airport and found me, I went to jail, "Rob" bailed me out.

For many years immigration could not stick to a decision on whether lock me up - deport me - let me work - or stay in Canada.
For the first 3 years Rob had given me good things in life (that it was too painful for me to imagine being a reality for me.)
I did not think it was possible for me to have friends, or a family like unity.... but it happened, sure enough I was more than patiently exsposed to things that I thought could never have (because of what I am "used and abused" > trash")

To this day its painful for me to stay away from Rob, he gave me Love and he gave me Life/Hope.
After 3 years went by, I remember having been shocked to hear him swear at me, it hurt. Over the course of the following years things only got worse. I remeber feeling lots of self hatred, and guilt, constantly trying to do the right thing.
I was told "not to think - ever" every single thing I was told contradicted the other > endless confusion and guilt ending heartbreak.

I felt jealous of other women, was never intelligent or pretty enough, "only ugly girls ****" 
There were times, I had been strangled where I was merely a vegetable for 2 days, we did some camping, he would blame things that went wrong on me and threaten to split my head open with a rock... or an axe. I was afraid of him when he drove his truck to remote locations.  We had planned to do some trips that would take up to 2 weeks at a time... I ditched him when it was time to go because I was afraid.

To this day "Rob" insists that I am "crazy" and I have severe delusional psychological problems..... that I make all this up in my head, and that I am projecting other abusive men onto him > and he says he does not deserve to be projected upon"

People(immigration included) in the area look up to him and respect him, some people even ask him "why are you with her ? " - "You can do better than that!"

I later got a dog, Rob loves dogs alot. As things worsened, I tried to leave on my own with the puppy, I got robbed by the alcohalic landlord and I threw in the towel and came back to Rob. Later that winter I left again leaving the dog behind and did not return for a full year.

That summer I got a job as a wildlife guide for Great Canadian Eco ventures. Tundra Tom - had a crack addiction, he did not pay me enough and so I got evicted..... and also Tom refused to allow me to leave the base camp... he kept telling me to keep working and promised to pay me. 
Tundra Tom was like two people put into one >> Good and Bad. Still I cannot decide. I believe Tom gave me more in return to this day. My self esteem raised, I got to lead rich people around and see arctic wolves, musk ox and caribou.... and I learned lots about the bush.

Still, regardless I was extremly depressed and felt suicidal that entire year (I'd wake up in my sleep having dreamt of Rob, and do not know what stopped me from killing myself, I missed Rob alot) the thought and knowing that Rob hated me.... constantly there.

After I left the Thelon Wildlife Sanctuary, I went to British Columbia and tried tree planting.(it was an eye opener for me) For the very first time I was exsposed to people in my age group, where these people were strong and hardworking, the Females included. The Females were RESPECTED >> Wow! Something I had never witnessed before.
Rob's words played in my head like a tape while I planted tree's, it was a never ending battle to silence out those voices. I did not exactly fit in... but the treeplanters were kind to me - that was good enough. I learned alot that summer.

That winter I went back to Rob, (the dog was being starved and fed his own feces in a bowl, getting beat with a shovel) Rob had kept the dog's X-rays on the wall as a reminder of what, "I caused" Rob also went and killed/tortured other peoples cats and dogs that he did not like. The following summer went and worked for Tom again in the Thelon.

Now its winter.... this summer I left Rob.... again for umptein times...., and well, I'm living with a 59 year old abusive man, but hey >> he bought me this cool laptop computer and I'm taking it with me when its warm enough to go (as a reward for putting up with his sh*t!)
He keeps getting dogs "because he likes having them around.... later on he does not like what ever dog he gets.... so we have gone through ... hmmm.... 4 dogs already, now here in the apartment is a Lab x puppy and a Bordercollie, I train and walk them everyday... and this guy "W" - (I'll call him) is going to loose them, because im taking these dogs with me when I leave.

I just got a treeplanting job in Saskatchewan, and they said I can bring the dogs with me, I plan to hitchike. But still try to say to myself (I'm not a looser, and if I better myself.... maybe I will attract someone who is not half decomposed of FCK'D in the head).
Still another big side of me feels hopeless because, everything has been proven to me over and over - that I will be alone.
W" hates these dogs because I display affection to them - that W'" will never get from me, W" cannot buy my love, he cant control me forever.... and W" is an infantile / ignorant/ piece of shit.

I hope to hear back from someone because I wrote alot..... guess honestly I feel down, and I see people get up everyday and work 9-5 jobs ... and be alone, I cannot do alot of things that the average person can, I keep trying.
 I dont ...and will never believe in alot of things that keep people going. Nature is what keeps me going. And dogs are the best thing in the world.

Noelle*

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