I Loved Him But I Hated Him

 

I Loved Him But I Hated Him- I am the youngest of 5 children, 2 boys and 3 girls. If my sisters ever experienced what I did with my Father I have no clue. Neither of them have ever said anything.
I was about 7 yrs. old when I first realized my Father was exposing himself to my friends. I would have a friend over and he would send me on a errand to the store but told my friend to stay with him. I would always run as fast as I could to get back home. Upon arriving the doors would be locked and I'd have to knock to get in. As soon as I came back my friend would leave. Not just one friend but several thru out the years. They never told me what happened but as I became a teenager I would hear my father say sexual things to girls in the neighboorhood not knowing that I was behind him close enough to hear. My Father was blind and mom worked out of the home. He never touched me or said anything off color to me but this continued for years. I'm sure all the way up to my father's death 20 yrs. ago.

I Loved Him But I Hated Him- I'm so ashamed of his behavior but never told anyone. I was afraid my mother would'nt believe me and I really had no proof from anyone else. I guess my distrust in men comes from knowing what my father did. My first husband cheated on me in my own home. My present husband has had affairs and blames me for being untrusting. I'm miserable and wish I could erase the pictures from my mind of my childhood. My father was a wonderful person in every other way. I wonder if my Mom knew or if my sister's knew? One sister is deceased the oldest has had a stroke and can't talk. My Mom is in ill health at 92. Why would I want to hurt her now with this knowledge? I feel he ruined my life and probably didn't even know it. I still at 60 feel my problems with men stem from this childhood.

Heather~

http://www.womensselfesteem.com

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