Deidre's Bio- Life at 43 has me as a wife, grandmother, mother and nurse. All in that order. My children are all close in age. Two girls and a boy. The realationship with my adult children has evolved. At this time, the role of mother is a minor one. My husband and I stood as a unified force against three rebellious teens. Just as quickly as they were on our last nerve, they were gone. God plans it that way to avoid the death penalty. Teens are the reason some animals eat their young and empty nest people get little dogs! All a parent can hope for is to have them contribute to humanity. Go forth, finish college, find love, procreate and do not call me for bail money.
My name is Deirdre, I am in my forties. Work is hard as a nurse in an I.C.U. but harder is the work of a mother and grandmother. No, I do not look like a grandmother. Nor should I.
I married at age seventeen. I was also pregnant with my first daughter. I married an alcoholic psychopath. I chose him. After all, he was familiar to me. Daughters marry what they know. I grew to know pain and suffering at the hand of my father. He was suppose to love and protect me. Problem was that I needed protecting from him. I grew and found someone just like him.
An education would afford me an opportunity to support my family. I started college and worked towards a nursing degree. My husband hated me going to school. He beat and tortured me for it. I knew that I had to leave and take my small family away from him. He would begin to hit my children as they grew. How could I think he wouldn't harm them? I know I could not protect them if I could not protect myself. I didn't want my kids to grow to be like him.
In November of 1985 I began to plot my escape from that hell. Leaving with three small children would not be easy. He was working out of town and that afforded me the opportunity to secure a place to live and move without threat. I went to the welfare office and was awarded funds to find housing for us. I found a cockroach infested apartment that day. I couldn't be picky about where we were going to live. The kids were scared and confused. They were ages 4, 3 and 14 mons. How do I tell them that mommy was stupid and picked a daddy that was a nut case? They couldn't understand. That is the only father they knew. Their safety was first priority. I left that S.O.B a fork, spoon , cup and a plate. That is far more than he deserved.
I tell you because I survived. You do not have to live that way. Ask yourself these questions: Do you fear for your safety? Do you want your children to grow to be like their father? Do you think that he will not beat your kids because he hasn't so far? Sometimes we have to look deep down in that ugly spot. That spot of ourselves that we deny exists. Do you think you are playing it safe by not attracting his attention when he is drinking? I used to hide under my kids bed when I knew he was pulling into the driveway. He eventually discovered my hiding spot. I was pulled out by my hair and beat. I know how you feel. I was beat into submission. There were no feelings left. I was numb going through the motions. What kind of mother could I be in that state? I couldn't be a mother in that state. That was so unfair to my children. They deserved better. I deserved better. I have spent the years since trying to make up for all I put them through. Yes, it was me that didn't leave and that is why I say that I put them through it.
Leaving is never easy. There will come a breaking point for you. I am hoping that your family will survive until you come to that point. For those ready to leave, there are many resources out there to help you: clothing (from local church clothing closets); food( food stamps, food closets and soup kitchens); utilities ( some local companies will discount low income folks); housing( welfare funds, section 8 and HUD); preschool(headstart, junior colleges sometimes offer free daycare provided on campus by early childhood majors). I attended college in the morning while my small children attended headstart preschool. Pell grants helped me purchase my books and pay tuition. Junior colleges also have fee waivers for low income students. The road I went down was hard and required dedication.
Women's shelters can offer a temporary place to stay and restraining orders help to document violations. Worldly possessions can be replaced. The broken spirits of your children and yourself will take time to heal. I pray you find the strength within yourself to flee. God speed.
I have listed a couple of links that may be helpful:
